Deadpool & Wolverine: The Abridged Script (2024)

FADE IN:

EXT. SNOWY WOODS THAT EVOKES AGE OF ULTRON BUT IS IN FACT THE END OF LOGAN, SO THERE!

A FAN SITTING BEHIND YOU RYAN REYNOLDS aka DEADPOOL hums along to the MCU THEME.

RYAN DEADNOLDS

(checks byline)

Wait, no John K. this time? Figures I guess, new studio, new timeline, new abridger. That's a shame, I missed our long, loving, pre-getting-around-to-the-movie digressions. ANYhoo, let's dive right in! To Hugh Jackman's grave, I mean.

RYAN desecrates the WOLVERINE GRAVE from the end of the movie LOGAN, finding only an ADAMANTIUM SKELETON since there are still SOME limits to fucking with earlier stories. But then RYAN is attacked by TIMECOPS from the LOKI show!

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Wait, we're starting mid-action sequence before inevitably flashing back to the slow dull actual start of the story? I thought I was Disney now, not Netflix... well at least this is a chance to show this ain't your regular PG-13 Marvel action flick! Come get some!

(stabs Timecop right in the junk)

Huh? See that?

(cuts guy's junk off)

Look, look, it's Doctor Strange in the Testicles of Stabness!

(stabs cop in the junk)

TIMECOP #7

Wait a sec though! This happens after the events of Loki Season 2, aren't we good guys now?

(stabbed in junk)

TIMECOP #3

Yeah, why are we kicking things off with Deadpool mutilating and killing innocent workers just doing their jobs?

(stabbed in junk)

TIMECOP #94 AND YES THEY ARE ALL SPEAKING OUT OF SEQUENCE BECAUSE TIMEY-WIMEY

Though to be fair we could have just explained

(stabbed in junk)

that we were here to establish negotiations

(stabbed in junk)

and meant to actual harm to

(stabbed in junk)

WILL YOU FUCKING QUIT THAT

(dead)

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Yeah I guess we can actually start the movie now.

INT. RYAN REYNOLDS'S CRUMMY APARTMENT - EARLIER

PIZZAFACE RYAN REYNOLDS is attempting to lead a normal civilian lifestyle selling USED CARS.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Well, first I used my multiverse-hopping machine to try and join the MCU Avengers, but the scene never really took off so now I'm back here. And hey, Shang-Chi started off at a Toronto car rental let's not forget! But the important thing is I apparently destroyed my multiverse-hopping time-travelling fix-any-problem device so just forget all about that please.

ROB DELANEY

Plus I'm still around!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Anyway it's my birthday party! We've got the X-characters who survived Deadpool 2, the cabbie guy, and of course my blind roommate Leslie Uggams, who exists for the sole purpose of cocaine jokes. I swear she was a character once.

LESLIE UGGAMS

Awright, anyone holding some Pym Particles? Infinity Stones? Rainbow Bridge? Super Soldier Serum? Anyone got some Ghost, some Moon Knight, some White Vision? Anyone wanna get Snapped and Blipped? Got any Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier, White Wolf? Anyone have some Mister Fantastic, some Silver Surfer? Wanna do some Sacred Timelines? Got any Emma Frost? White Queen? Some Quake, some Happy Hogan, some Special Agent Coulson?

(continues for hours)

RYAN REYNOLDS

And Morena Baccarin's here! I swear we're not killing you off so you miss the whole movie, this time.

MORENA BACCARIN

Hm. Are we breaking up so I miss the whole movie until we make up at the end, instead?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Um well OH NO TIMECOPS ARRESTING ME SHIT BYYYYEEEEE

(dragged through portal)

MORENA BACCARIN

Fucking "V" treated me better than this.

INT. THE TVA

RYAN is brought before TVA guy MATTHEW MACFADYEN and given a SPIFFY NEW COSTUME identical to his DUMB OLD COSTUME.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Ryan, I've brought you here because apparently you have some grand purpose to fulfil in the MCU, which seems to involve making even more Thor movies.

(shudders)

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Omg it's true, I am... Marvel Jesus.

RELIGIOUS MOVIEGOERS WHO SOMEHOW THOUGHT DEADPOOL MOVIES WERE ALL ABOUT QUOTING SCRIPTURE AND THEOLOGICAL DISSERTATIONS

(storm out of theatre)

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

So yeah, gosh, just tell me what you need! I'm totally on board!

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Okay, basically I need you to go fuck yourself while I use a Time Ripper machine to destroy your entire timeline. Yep.

(pause)

Shit wait that's the REAL situation, I was supposed to tell you, like, ANYTHING ELSE. FUCK me, I was SO CLOSE.

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Wait, whaddya mean destroy my timeline?!? Is this a tax thing? I thought you were good now!

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Oh we're a rogue department don'tcha know, and besides your universe is self-destructing anyway because Logan was your Anchor Being and he died.

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Anchor baby? Wasn't he Canadian?

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Anchor BEING, dammit. You know we have to introduce new terminology each time no matter how incomprehensible it all gets!

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

I dunno, what's so hard to follow about me being a Variant who's created an Incursion by Branching off a Canon Event thus disrupting the Sacred Timeline and causing a Chaos Rift off the Temporal Loom thus requiring me to find a Nexus Being (who knows that Peter Parker is Spider-Man) to become a new Anchor Being for my Multiverse? TOTES intuitive. Anyhoo I'm gonna find a new Logan so there.

RYAN steals MATTHEW'S TIMEPAD and uses it to reach the OPENING FIGHT SEQUENCE, followed by visiting A WHOLE FUCKLOAD OF WOLVERINE VARIANTS, including HUGH JACKMAN fighting HULK while wearing THE WRONG GODDAMN SUIT, and finally bringing back YELLOW SUIT DRUNKYPANTS HUGH JACKMAN.

HUGH JACKMAN

Though honestly I'm okay if you go with Cavill instead

(burps)

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

There! New anchor being, problem solved. That other timeline's Deadpool can figure out how to replace THEIR anchor being before they all die, fuck that universe.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

First of all that won't work because fuck you. Second, I don't like you anymore, I'm gonna tell my bosses you tripped on the stairs or something.

(zaps Ryan with disintegration stick!)

HUGH JACKMAN

Holy shit did you just murder him? Some of us haven't seen Loki you know!

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Ugh no, the stick teleports... well it's easier to

(zaps Hugh!)

EXT. THE VOID

RYAN and HUGH land in a vast desert surrounded by the rubble of THE 20TH CENTURY FOX LOGO and the CN TOWER (sent from an apocalyptic timeline where the Maple Leafs Stanley Cup dynasty of 2002-2038 inadvertently created a doomsday scenario where whiny Habs fans destroyed the Earth so that by choosing NOT to win all those Cups the Leafs are in fact THE TRUE HEROES).

HUGH JACKMAN

What the fuck is this place? Ooh you've pissed me off now, are you ready to trade a million blows none of which matter since we're both indestructible?

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Sure! We might as well indulge ourselves once.

HUGH JACKMAN

Ah... once. Yep.

They FIGHT STAB FIGHT STAB FIGHT FIGHT STAB which accomplishes FUCK ALL.

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Wait wait wait! This scene could go on for literally hours unless, um, if we team up to save my universe, I'll convince the TVA to fix your tragic backstory, how about it?

HUGH JACKMAN

Hm, I would get to brood about my horrible past a lot. Okay I'm in.

CHRIS EVANS

(whaaa?!?!)

And me! Yes it's time for another surprise special guest, but Captain America's too good for this wasteland of discarded and forgotten genre misfires. No, THIS time, I am... Mace Nick Gant Lucas Lee Captain Snowpiercer Buzz Lightyear JOHNNY STORM!! FLAME ONNNNN

However an EVIL CONVOY arrives with all the FOX X-VILLAINS, including PYRO who absorbs CHRIS EVANS'S FLAME while he is airborne. This causes CHRIS to fall a hundred feet, shattering his SPINE against SHEER METAL--

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

(holds up sign, "Deadpool movie!")

--sorry, shattering his JUNK, and THEN his spine, against SHEER METAL, finally landing on his FACE with a NECK-EXPLODING CRACK.

CHRIS EVANS

Shit, so I'm dead, right? Human Torch minus the torch is just a dude, right?

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Nah we gotta keep you alive long enough to do the sub-whelming post-credit scene that this script is not even gonna bother including. Up ya get!

Meanwhile HUGH kills SABRETOOTH causing RYAN to hugely misjudge how many people went to see FURIOSA. They get captured by a HUGH JMAGNET and stuffed in cages.

EXT. BIG BADDIE HQ INSIDE THE PRONE CORPSE OF TALL RUDD

RYAN and HUGH and CHRIS are brought before bald head baddie EMMA CORRIN!

EMMA CORRIN

Hello hello, I'm playing Cassandra Nova, the evil twin sister of Professor X. Let's quickly establish I can instantly murder anyone I want with the merest thought.

(Dark-Willows Chris Evans)

So yes, defeating me will take either epic cunning, or hoping I just rack up a string of unforced errors. I wonder which it will be!

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

For now anyway we're going to pretend our assortment of knives and blades means anything even though you, also, can shrug off any wound like it's nothing.

EMMA CORRIN

Plus I can jam my hand right through your head to read your brain! This is our Fun New Effect for the movie so prepare to see it rather a lot.

EMMA fistfucks RYAN'S BRAIN and we are treated to him arguing with MORENA BACCARIN, in scenes almost as good as the ones mostly cut from THOR: LOVE AND THUNDER.

EMMA CORRIN

That was fun but now it's time for the giant smoke monster from LOSTki to come devour you and Hugh and apparently nobody else here because

HUGH JACKMAN

Quick! Hop onto this giant robot thruster boot thingie I found! We can jet to safety while absolutely nobody makes any effort to stop us!

(does so)

EXT. ELSEWHERE IN THE VOID

After a quick stop at a DINER that came from a different variant timeline than the TRAILER VERSION did, our heroes wander about looking for help.

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Shit this is the third movie of me just ad-libbing postmodern snark for hours on end, what cheap gimmick can we use to spice it up...

(thinks)

That's it, PETS! People love that. But how can we organically introduce-

DOGPOOL

(thrown at camera)

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

OMG A DOG I LOVE DOGS, I WILL HORRIBLY MURDER ANYBODY AT ALL TO GET THIS DOG gosh I really do put the Auntie Entity into anti-hero don't I.

PERFECT-FACE RYAN REYNOLDS

(arriving)

Oh sorry that's my dog, I'm a variant of you with an undamaged face who's super duper nice but also murders people for money, somehow. Anyway I'm keeping the dog but in exchange, here's a handy vehicle you can heap mockery and derision on...

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

I assume it's a Cybertruck?

PERFECT-FACE RYAN

Ha no that would be timely but juuuuuust a bit too edgy, lit and fig, here's a Honda Odyssey because nobody cares what you say about it.

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Well, I guess it'll do the job of stringing Hugh along on a wild goose chase of false hope because I was just talking directly out of my ass and he sucks and

(disembowelled)

HEY WHAT GIVES

HUGH JACKMAN

YOU LIED TO ME! Also in the comics She-Hulk broke the fourth wall before you, and she did it way better!

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Which has nothing to do with me personally but FUCK YOU WE FIGHT MORE NOW!

They FIGHT STAB STAB FIGHT STAB YAWN FIGHT YAWN SNORE and eventually even the camera is bored so we fast-forward to nighttime when they're passed out... and a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE drives their car to....

INT. HIDEOUT

RYAN and HUGH regain consciousness and meet...

JENNIFER GARNER

It's me, Elektra, here to get the fond farewell and respect I deserve! But don't worry, we can still totally mock Affleck Daredevil, I hope that fucker goes through ANOTHER high-profile divorce just as this movie drops.

WESLEY SNIPES

And me! Yep this is clearly one of the TOP TWO introductions of Wesley Snipes Blade into a cinematic/TV universe containing Taika Waititi, Dave Bautista, and Tilda Swinton, OF ALL TIME.

CHANNING TATUM

Hey what's this, FINALLY, I get to play live action Gambit!

(pause)

We are of course assuming the audience is familiar with my decades-long struggle to star in a Gambit movie. Otherwise they are gonna be scratching their heads at SO MANY jokes.

(pause)

Anyway time for incomprehensible dialogue! Mi fa so la, do re, tee so fa do mi.

DAFNE KEEN

And I round it out, reprising my role as X-23, but taller.

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

This is awesome! We can team up to fight Emma, make them use their powers to send us all home! I saw Juggernaut at Dead Rudd HQ, his helmet is the only thing impervious to Emma's abilities. But given how absurdly powerful Emma is, AND that they're surrounded by all the Fox X-Baddies who weren't otherwise engaged, we'll need a super sneaky plan.

HUGH JACKMAN

You got that fucking right, we can't just walk in and stand in a line and wait for Emma to insta-kill us.

EXT. EMMA'S HQ

Our HEROES walk in and stand in a line and wait for EMMA to insta-kill them.

HUGH JACKMAN

WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY. ANY PLAN BUT THIS. FUCK'S SAKE.

EMMA CORRIN

(grimacing)

Audience desire... to see these characters fight... too strong! Must allow... action sequence! Ugh fine I'll be lounging upstairs.

(leaves)

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

HA JUST AS I THOUGHT! Let's do this!

JENNIFER and WESLEY and CHANNING and DAFNE start massacring and laying waste to the X-VILLAINS!

CHANNING TATUM

Hee hee look I can put cards in all these baddies' pockets and then blow them up simultaneously when I’m done!

DAFNE KEEN

How is that better than killing them as you go? The first baddie had lots of time to regroup and headshot you even though he didn't, for some reason.

WESLEY SNIPES

(winks)

I ain't telling.

(haha now you have to go back and read the Blade 2 script to get that joke, as if anyone’s gonna do that)

In the chaos RYAN and HUGH make their way up to EMMA'S sitting room area.

EMMA CORRIN

Time to fistfuck Hugh's brain!

(does so)

I'm sure with my formidable psychic powers I maintain SOME awareness of what's going on in the real world, otherwise I wouldn't indulge this power in the middle of a pitched battle... OWWWW OR APPARENTLY I WOULD

For indeed RYAN has slapped the JUGGERNAUT HELMET on EMMA!

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Aha, we've nullified your powers, you're at our mercy! Now send us home with your powers you can't use and I can't give back without us dying and fuck let's just go stand in a line again.

PYRO

Wow lucky for me someone got Jugg's helmet on Emma, since I cut a deal with Matthew to kill them and fuck knows how I was gonna pull THAT off, anyway

(shoots Emma!)

(has fulfilled only purpose in movie so need not be mentioned again)

HUGH JACKMAN

(serious mode)

Ryan, you've gotta take the helmet off Emma so they can heal. I know they'll murder us instantly, like they could have done countless times already, but dammit I need to honour the legacy of the X-Men that all got killed while I was drunk, a tragedy for which I blame myself since apparently whoever took out ALL THE X-MEN would be no match for Old Canuckleclaws here.

RYAN does, and by some miracle EMMA'S HEART grows THREE SIZES that day!

EMMA CORRIN

That was moving, Hugh. As it turns out, I have a sling ring I took from a variant of Dr. Strange who didn't use it to immediately escape. You however CAN use it to immediately escape, but also the smoke monster is almost here to, I guess, not eat us again?

Our heroes LEAP THROUGH the portal as the GUEST STAR HEROES smile heroically at their impending destruction rather than take cover and survive.

CHANNING TATUM

But you don't actually see it happen, maybe I--

(if you get a movie before Alpha Flight then I SWEAR TO GOD CHANNING)

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET BY RYAN'S APARTMENT

RYAN and HUGH portal to RYAN'S neighbourhood which is also where the TVA is!

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Wait a damn minute, in Loki the TVA was in another spacetime completely set off by itself and now it's hiding under a subway stop?!?

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Don't forget, we're the Rogue Conveniently Accessible Division of the TVA. But you'll never stop me!

EMMA CORRIN

(sling-rings in)

What about me? Ooh let's do Brain Fingers some more!

(mindfucks Matthew)

And now to permanently be rid of Ryan and Hugh forever!

(throws them exactly one-and-a-half city blocks, HOW WILL THEY EVER SURVIVE THIS)

EMMA forces MATTHEW to lead them to the TIME RIPPER so that they can banish all timelines into the VOID, even though the machine was designed to UTTERLY DESTROY the timelines instead, but hey. Back at street level RYAN and HUGH regroup.

HUGH JACKMAN

Guess all that's left is to have our final showdown with Emma, unless we're gonna pad this out with more useless random-

DOGPOOL

(bursts out of Hugh’s chest)

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

OMG DOGPOOL IS BACK YAY DOES THIS MEAN I GET TO MURDER

PERFECT-FACE RYAN REYNOLDS

Yep, time to indulge those moviegoers who can't get enough of you murdering someone in needlessly cruel ways! Let's do this!

RYAN inflicts terrible agonizing death on PERFECT-FACE RYAN and gets the DOG. But who's coming through the portal NOW but--

BLAKE LIVELY DEADPOOLLY

Mwah ha yes it's me! After months of online speculation as to my true identity, we're never taking my mask off and you'll have to wait for the closing credits! And since I just shoot an Uzi and die I'm not sure how being Taylor Swift instead would go any different anyway!

OTHER DEADPOOL VARIANTS

And yeah we're the usual assortment of variants, you know the drill.

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Sheesh, guys. Isn't it time we admit this whole multiverse thing is a massive failure?

HUGH JACKMAN

(regenerated)

You mean like Spider-Man No Way Home which everyone loved?

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Okay except that one.

HUGH JACKMAN

And two Spider-Verse movies that everyone loved, and a third everyone's looking forward to?

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Um...

HUGH JACKMAN

And like Dr Strange 2 which made a bazillion dollars? Or Loki, one of the highest-rated Disney+ shows? And, let me quickly check... yep, this movie happening now, which has already made glorpity hurbergle dollars? Really the only explicitly multiverse movie which flopped was The Flash and that's DC's fault.

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Okay but Ant-Man 3 and The Marvels had a multiverse stinger at the end, so there!

HUGH JACKMAN

Ant-Man 3 somehow made half a bazillion dollars despite sucking, and The Marvels should have done way better if not for the writers' strike prohibiting any promotion of it. Plus I really think it should have been called "Captain & Ms. Marvel", but whatevs.

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

WRITERS' STRIKE!! Shit I KNEW there was a huge topic we totally forgot to make any jokes about.

(sighs)

So I guess it's time for ANOTHER endless fight scene with hundreds of lethal blows that don't matter since everyone's indestructible. Woo hoo.

HUGH JACKMAN

Yeah but THIS one's gonna have...

(dramatically dons the Wolverine mask!!!)

...a picture of Stan Lee in it.

They FIGHT FIGHT STAB STAB FIGHT and it's pointless again and just as it threatens to last FOREVER, AGAIN, who should arrive but--

PAUL DELANEY

Who cares who it is! Fucking enough! Go do the damn climax already!

INT. ROGUE TVA STATION, AS IN, TVA STATION GONE ROGUE, WE'RE NOT ADDING ANY MORE X-MEN JUST YET

EMMA goes to the MULTIVERSE-FRAGGING MACHINE and plugs in, relying on all the good guys they left alive to just sort of GIVE UP or something.

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Thank God you're here! There's a power supply room where you can short out the machine if you connect the matter and antimatter generators. But whoever does that will SURELY DIE, for realsies!!

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Oh so is this a Guardians 1 situation where if we hold hands, it turns out we can withstand the massive energy threatening to explode us? Some glowing purple veins etc but we come out fine?

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

Um.....

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

And the resulting power surge will totes blow up the villain who's been pwning us in open combat all movie?

MATTHEW MACFADYEN

..... not necessarily....??

HUGH JACKMAN

Right. Now that we're friends with 100 Deadpools we could bring them down to do the hand-holding with us, probably the worst we'd get is a mild headache...

DYIN' REYNPOOLS

Nah if it's just the two of us I bet we can squeeze molto drama out of it but still be fine.

RYAN is CORRECT and he and HUGH WIN!! This also saves RYAN'S TIMELINE somehow!

WUNMI MOSAKU

Also, I got to appear so that we have at least ONE cast member from the Loki show. Suck it, Wilson!

INT. RYAN'S CRAPPY APARTMENT

Everyone gets together for a pizza party, even DAFNE KEEN which suggests ANY AND ALL deaths in this movie DON'T COUNT AFTER ALL HAHAHAHAHA SUCKERS!!!!!

MORENA BACCARIN

And I guess since this is over I can rejoin the story now. Could I perhaps participate just a teeny bit next time Kevin?

KEVIN FEIGE

Hm? Sorry I was busy hastily slapping "DEADPOOL AND WOLVERINE MEET" in front of every MCU title for the next ten years. Have you SEEN how big a glorpity hurbergle dollars is?!?

END

INT. POST-ABRIDGED-SCRIPT SCENE – SAN DIEGO COMIC CON

RYAN REYNOLDS is watching the HALL H PRESENTATION by MARVEL STUDIOS.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Huh, so that’s how we’re bringing in adamantium. Did not expect that.

(grins)

But who cares, what REALLY matters is that I’ve been entrusted with saving the MCU! I, Ryan Reynolds, am gonna be the new charmingly arrogant lynchpin on which EVERYTHING depends-

ROBERT DOOMY JR.

HAHAHAHA OMG YOU REALLY BELIEVED THAT DIDN’T YOU

(falls down laughing)

END